BREAKING NEWS: Fat, Blue Orangutan Spotted in Suburban Tree

Oh, wait.

That's me.

Okay. I learned a few things this morning in my misadventures to be a kid again:

1.) I need to lose some weight. A LOT of it. See, when you scope out a tree for climbing, you generally think, “No. Problem. Child's play.” Then you realize you no longer have the flexibility or strength in your legs, back and arms to make the most important transition in tree climbing – the first level. I found out the hard way. I scoped out a tree in the backyard first – away from the sensitive viewing of the wife. I made three hilariously inept attempts to break that first level by pulling myself up into the bottom layer of branches.

FAIL. Sweatshirt and pants separate at the plumber's crack – cold breeze blows into nether regions.

FAIL. Branch bows dangerously close to breaking. Heart pangs for poor sugar maple. Abort.

FAIL. Thicker branch this time. Got feet up to branch with hands. Muscles strain under a sudden, unexpected, intense increase in the Earth's gravitational pull and give way(I'm thinking Anna Torv and Joshua Jackson from the popular Fringe television series will be visiting shortly, because that has to be a first in physics, right?). Lie in dandelions contemplating a new approach. I need a ladder.

2.) Once in a tree, you become acutely aware of a different system of laws governing the world in a tree. There is only one law and to me it seems like this law or instinct is the perfect scientific proof that man evolved from apes; in a tree, moving is secondary to a firm foot or handhold on a branch, or vine, if you are in the Amazon. This instinct kicked in almost instantaneously for me. I wanted to go higher, but my brain said, “Strengthen your foothold first, then look for a sure handhold before exerting movement.” It amazed me how those instincts grab you. So I climbed as far as the thin branches could hold me.

3.) Climbing a tree is still LOADS of fun! And the fun grows exponentially the higher you climb...and so does the pain of falling, but I don't suggest you do that.

So yesterday, I kind of got off track with the whole soda incident. My point with all of this is to take a moment out of our day to do the things that make us feel young again. I inadvertently fell into a rant about the soda companies, so I apologize.

On the home front, no news. Still no calls from my hot prospect job – which I would snatch up in a heartbeat. I mean working on the 23^rd floor of a skyscraper? Cool. Plus getting this job successfully remedies the mortgage issue. Go job!

Climbing that tree this morning got me to thinking about how we apply the tree-climbing instincts to everything in life – look before you leap, plan before you execute, and all that. When all this happened, unemployment, economic downfall and such, I was quick to look back to when we made some of our life decisions – savings, jobs, cars, mortgage – and bash ourselves for making poor decisions. I get that way sometimes. I have a passive aggressive emotional style.

Well, again, my wife told me something at that moment that made me look like the thick-headed fool I can sometimes be. She basically said that when we made those decisions, we couldn't have foreseen the impending economic deformity – we made our decisions based on the world around us at that time. Of course, had we known that the second Great Depression was upon us, that would have impacted our decisions back then. But we didn't know, so we couldn't factor that in.

I guess it speaks to our human ability to plan and make decisions to the best of our abilities, but in the end we are even more greatly impacted by the world around us – a world we have really no control over. In orangutan time, this would be the equivalent of a orangutan planning his movements in a tree, only to have the tree disappear in mid-swing. Now, the orangutan to the best of his instincts planned to have that branch right there to hold on to, but outside forces removed it and the orangutan fell. Poor orangutan. Here have a banana. Orangutan's eat bananas, right?

So in a sense, I need to come to terms with the fact that although this is a mess we were partly responsible for, a greater portion of it was beyond our prognostication, instincts and control. Joseph Campbell would say this is the point in the story where the hero is dealt a great blow and he must gather his strength and carry out his mission.

I like Joseph Campbell, he always has a way of making everyday life sound like an adventure.