Epic Bike Fail – In Front of the Kids

I must make a retraction. Yesterday I may have alluded to my dear wife running over Julia's bike. She did not. There is no evidence to prove that she did. There. Done.

Well, let's get started. Remember, yesterday I told you about my new bike? Yep. Today I did some modifications as the model had a few assembly flaws. Listen to me. I have a new bike and on the second day, I'm a mechanical bike whiz. So, I adjusted the rear-brake positions, realigned the back tire. Minor stuff.

So after bike shop class, the girls and I headed out on our first bike ride, all three of us together. Things went surprisingly well – the girls listened, they were safe, no one cried. Good times. Christa is getting better and better on her training wheels – I could hardly hear them behind me rattling on the ground, which is good. That means she's keeping the main tires pretty well balanced. Good for her.

So we just shot through a trail tunnel leading to hill. Julia, like the little biker she is, shot ahead of me and Christa, screaming all the way down the hill. I told Christa to go ahead of me so I could keep an eye on her. She pedaled forward and seemed to be on her way, so I looked down to set my feet and began pedaling too. When I look up, BAM she had stopped and I couldn't help but plow into the poor little twinkie.

Relax. She's fine. Just a few tears. But I messed up my bike a bit in my spill, so we have to take the short road home, me hauling my bike home by hand and it was like the Nicaraguan bush out there today. Friggin' hot!

So today I was reminded of that awesome childhood reality of bicycle crashes. Everyone has had one or more in their history. I've performed and witnessed some of the best:

THE TWISTED SHOESTRING – This was the most common crash I performed, largely due to my own laziness. This crash happens when your untied shoelace gets caught in the pedals, gears or chain, applying painful pressure to your foot as the shoelace gets tighter and tighter. Inevitably, your attention is drawn to your foot that is about to get drawn into what your mind envisions as a wood chipper, thus you lose track where you are going and hit any number of obstacles.

THE HARVEY WALLBANGER – Ironically, this crash has nothing to do with alcoholic beverages, but it could I suppose. I just never saw any performed under the influence. This crash involves the rider, going faster than they intended, getting suddenly worried about their sister or a friend who also crashed and riding right up through the lawn and smacking into the side of a house. This particular crash needs a really distracted or poor bicycle driver to achieve as houses are generally built 15-30 feet from any street. I have never performed a Harvey Wallbanger...yet. But I've seen others do it.

THE HEAD-OVER-TEAKETTLES – I only saw this crash live once and I'd never wish it on anyone. My brother performed this one on a black Huffy banana seat bike. When he performed it, we were riding down this steep gravel path. Near the bottom, a small ravine had cut across the path leaving about a foot and half that you had to jump over on your way down. Well, me and our friends jumped the ravine just fine. My brother, however, mistimed his jump, landing his front wheel in the ravine and causing his momentum to flip him and his bike head-over-teakettles and into the brush.

THE CROTCHBUSTER – Now this isn't technically a crash, but males will agree with me that the immediate cross bar on the “male” bicycles is painfully inconvenient, should you stop short or slip off your seat. Too many times has this design flaw accounted for swollen testicles.

Today, I did not split the crossbar, didn't go head-over-teakettles or bang into a wall, but I was reminded that you never forget how to ride a bike, but you certainly forget the years of expertise you had as kid and that you have to relearn all the intricacies again. I'm sure I'll get the hang of it again and look forward to more bike trips with the girls.

A New Bicycle and an Homage to Ken Wahl's The Gladiator

Today started with a trip to Erik's “The Bike Man” Bike Shop, to get a replacement rim for Julia's bike. See mysteriously, the rim got bent and no one in this house who drives a car besides me remembers running over a bike. So I went there thinking you buy a wheel – rim, tire, tube, etc all put together. I get there and they ask me a few questions which I answer and the man comes out with just a rim.

So I asked if he has any with all the other tire stuff on it and he said, “Do you need a tire and inner tube too?”

“Um, sure,” I said back, knowing full well Jules' tire and inner tube at home are just fine.

Yeah, I guess sometimes I'm just plain slow.

So I waited until he almost has a new tire and inner tube picked out before I came to my senses and said, “You know. I think the tire and inner tube are still good.”

This entire exchange at the bike shop is a true testament to my stupidity. After he explained how you actually replace a tire (it's obvious he picked up on how lame I am), he tried talking me into buying some tool to help get the tire and inner tube off. To which I said, “Couldn't a screwdriver do that?”

Ha! Now the tables were turned. His only reply was, “I suppose that could work, but the tool is really slick.”

We walked out without the tool and back at home, a task I thought I'd screw up worse than fix, ended up being rather quick and easy. I felt young again to have a bike flipped over, propped up by its handlebars and seat and me above it, fixing things, hand-pedaling the bike to make sure the wheel works.

So that brings me to the next order of business. Okay. So I am unemployed, but have contract work. My future and my family's future is kind of fluid and not entirely gelled yet, so maybe it wasn't the best of fiscal decisions, but I bought a bicycle today.

Yeah, I know. Fat guys on bicycles sounds like a great theme for America's Funniest Home Videos. But I promised my girls when they learned to ride, I'd get a bike and we'd go for bike rides. Plus my normal mode of exercise for the summer, tennis, is logistically I night mare now, since I work in the city. So biking will allow me to get the exercise I SORELY need.

I'm rationalizing the purchase now aren't I?

Well, the tires did not explode when I got on it. So right away I get to start with a positive. Now I didn't go out and buy the $7,000 bike at Erik's Bike Shop. Yeah. Not kidding $7,000. I paid $9,000 for my car! I got mine on a Target special for $70 duckets.

Julia couldn't wait to go biking, so we went on a jaunt through the neighborhood trails. I noticed one thing about Jules that I had to correct her on numerous times – PAYING ATTENTION. On a downward slope heading into a tight right turn, I noticed she was late on braking. So I had to warn her. Crossing a road, she only looked one way and jutted out. I hollered and she stepped back. Luckily that car stopped to let us cross. The next car may not be so nice.

But afterward, our legs were tired from pedaling up hills and our chests heaved from taking our bikes to the highest speeds we could. The last time I felt like that, was like 1984, when we were almost run down one night on our bikes by a demon car.

Yeah, I said demon car.

Remember that made-for-tv movie The Gladiator about a brother who loses his younger brother to some killer in a suped up car who runs people off the road? Yeah, the older brother vows to get him, so he supes up his truck and goes out to get revenge. Well, that same year my brother and I were biking down a darkened street, when a parked car threw its headlights on, fired up its engine and actually chased us.

No shit.

Well we pedaled our asses off for four blocks, once even taking a wrong turn in a cul-de-sac, which made the car squeal Its tires as it spun around to continue the chase. Once we got to our home street, we bailed off into our neighbors back yard, tired, winded and scared shitless.

When we got home, we told our parents, every single detail – in horrifying fashion.

That's when mom said, “Yeah, right.”

At the time, we were shocked. We were almost killed for Christ's sake! There was a demon car trying to run down kids out there! Just like on tv. It took me 24 years to realize, had anyone lied, stole and cheated as much as my brother and I did when we were younger, non one would have believed us either.

But I swear to god it really happened. Really!