This morning, I had a momentary leap of fear. This wasn't one of those mortality day dreams, this one centered around my job situation. Sure things at the 6-month contract job are going just swell - I surprised my new, temporary boss by having something he needed done finished before he asked for it.
Yeah, I'm that good.
But the last few days in the office, I've heard people talking around me and on the phone about the man I'm temporary replacing. They love the guy to death and miss him – I have no issue with that. I know it's a temporary thing and I'm even going out of my way to not make myself so neato, or change things up too much there. I want to respect what this guy had built and done while he was here and when my time is up, I'll just disappear like Keyser Soce without all the hooplah.
But every time they talk about him coming back, it reminds me that my future is still not set, that the career is in a timeout, and thus, so is my family. I know I shouldn't let it affect me too much. I know I'll find something. But it's been 4 months now. Had a lot of promising interviews and no luck. I'm generally a free-wheeling guy, but sometimes I get panicky about all this and each breath gets shallower, tighter and I have to shake my head to get back to reality.
Everyone says change is good and I can kind of see it. I can earn a healthy wage by contracting out my services. I've been surprisingly adept at picking up contract work since the layoff, so shit, I should just go merc. Believe me, there's a big part of me that likes the lone wolf, mercenary approach to things – it's cool in a Pulp Fiction sort of way. But I still have that side that gets scared, wondering about the fate of things. I think I need to take hold of this freedom and try and run with it, maybe look for more contract work. I can't let the fear get to me.
Speaking of fear, I was on my nightly bike ride and stopped by a little league park to rest and take in a few pitches of little league baseball. Little league baseball was always a stark memory of mine from childhood, but not how you think. See, I sucked...royally! Especially hitting. Again, fear gripped me. The ball coming in fast, thrown by a twelve year old as hard he could. A twelve year-old! Even at a young age, I couldn't fathom why adults chose to put their children in front of a young boy with ZERO accuracy and tell that boy throw it at that other boy as fast as you can. I still remember the plunker I took in the thigh. The bruise spread from my hip to my knee and stayed purple for a month. But you know what. I stuck in there. I got beaned quite a bit. Learned to pitch pretty well. But I stuck in there, even though it scared the bejesus out of me
Having my dad throw knuckleballs at us for batting practice didn't help either. Dad has one mean, mo-fo of a knuckleball.
Anyway, this little league game I saw. Half the kids were wearing full-on football helmets.
Yeah.
On Friday at the Brownie Picnic, the adults were talking about activities to schedule for the troop. Camping. Nope. You need to hire and bring a certified First Aid instructor. Swimming. No you need to hire and bring a certified lifeguard. Horseback riding. Nope. You need a certified horse whisperer. McDonald's Playland. Nope. You need a registered cardiologist.
When I was a kid. We didn't wear helmets when we rode our bike. We wore regular baseball helmets for baseball. We road in the back of a truck for 4 hours on the way to the cabin. We had B-B guns. We had pocket knives. And we're still here. Hell my brother and I just about burned down a house - AND WE'RE STILL HERE!!!
But you can't have any of that today. If you thought I had fear issues, look at America. In five years, helmets will be mandatory for walking. Furniture will require bubble wrap covering. Baseball will be outlawed. Football too. Kids will need to be placed in poofy plastic airballs for car rides. And bicycles will be replaced by large hamster balls for kids, because you can't fall over in a hamster ball.
Worse yet, the world will be deemed too dangerous for human consumption. All work will be telecommuted through computers. Air conditioner and heater sales will skyrocket. Doors and windows will no longer exist. Humans will be created, birthed and raised straight in the home. No need to go outside into the dangerous world, where birds fly above you, casting their dreaded shadows on you and a wind might tousle your hair. Hell there might even be a storm.
OH MY GOD! WHAT WERE WE THINKING!!! RUN BACK TO THE HOUSE! RUN!!!
Centuries ago, the great explorers of Earth never fretted the jaws of death in their quest to find the undiscovered. Exploration parties were virtually decimated by the elements, disease and wildlife. Maybe there isn't anything to discover on Earth anymore. Maybe that's why we play it safe all the time. But I don't think that's true. I think America has grown complacent. We don't have the drive to change the world anymore. We're only interested in the next paycheck, the next DVD, the next car, the next bonus, the next step in the consumerism ladder leading to nowhere. I don't mean to be pessimistic. I just want more. America went to the moon. It was exciting and new. Then we stopped venturing into the unknown. WTF? Let's get back on the horse and ride it to Mars.
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